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What Have You Learned About Self-efficacy and Self-respect?By: Liz Seger
Summary:
Here's a little bit about the self-esteem issues I've faced. Let's hear what personal experience has taught you about self-esteem. 
Welcome to Ask eSight About Self-esteem.
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Share your opinions with eSight Careers Network: Welcome to Ask eSight About Self-esteem. I know everyone has their own mindset when they see the word self-esteem. Some think of children who are allowed to do anything they wish and their parents, and the remainder of the adult population who breathes are to think of them as geniuses, great creative artists, actors -- whatever. Others have the idea that self-esteem is the "aggressive salesperson" oozing self confidence, a kind of a Teddy Roosevelt, can-do person. Or you think it's your favorite singer or actor or politician or minister or athlete or the guy or woman next door who appears to have it all and no problems. I bet that if you went to any big bookstore, online or off, you could find 50 books or more on self confidence, self-esteem, getting what you want. It seems over the past 10 years or so, it has become a buzzword for education, for women, for men, for children and for teens. But what does self-esteem really mean to you? What's your definition? For many persons, abled bodied or disabled, self-esteem is elusive. On Oprah recently, Dr. Carolyn Myss said that self-esteem isn't something you are born with. It's something you acquire through your nurturing people and through your environment and experiences in life. I thought to myself, well, that just about covers it all. It's not just nurture, it's not just nature, it's everything. A human does, thinks, feels, says, sees or not sees, but it doesn't really tell me what self-esteem is. According to Nathaniel Branden, author of the "Six Pillars of Self-esteem," Batam Books, 1994, self-esteem has two interrelated components. One is the sense of basic confidence in the face of life's challenges (i.e. self efficacy). The other is a sense of being worthy of happiness (i.e. self respect). I know you're thinking: OK, that's not so hard; is that what self-esteem really is? I think Branden pretty well nailed the formal definition of it, although I'm no expert. Or, then again, maybe, in my own way, I am. My mum, although very gracious, was one of the most shy human beings I ever met. Being the last of six, she said she stayed in the highchair until she was 14 because there was no other place at the table until my oldest aunt moved out. She always tried to not rock the boat, only voiced her opinion when she was asked. But don't mess with her cubs unless you wanted to see claws and teeth. I know she often wondered where I came from -- how I got to be the person I am. I was forever being admonished: Be a lady, be nice, play nice. Weren't we all by our mothers? My older brother was shy, too, but he took the other route and became as if he weren't shy and went into salesmanship. You know -- fake it until you make it, put on a mask and give 'em a show, get 'em before they get you. Mr. Perfect, as my aunt calls him. He could sell freezers to the Inuit and hot tubs in hell. Oozes self-confidence and self-respect and is very aggressive, but underneath, always comparing, worrying about one-upmanship, does he have enough, how can he get more. And, despite the bravado, never thinks he's good enough. I swear the man invented planning and never makes a move without skillfully planning it first to make a good appearance. Can't have the world think he's a screw up. My dad was somewhere in the middle. He was reserved but attracted people to him like moths to flames. Very gregarious, also a salesman, but not with the showmanship of my brother. He acted in local theatre programs, was president of his men's clubs, modeled when he got older. All three of them very attractive, personable people. And then, according to my former principal, there was me. The runt of the litter, visually impaired, not too bright (well, that's his story, not mine) built like my Swedish gramma. And, if anyone should have had a self-esteem problem in these bunch of superstars, it should have been me. However, what God didn't give me in "outsight," as one of my profs told me, he gave me insight. From babyhood, my mum said, I used to smile and coo at people (and funny enough they'd smile and coo back - usually). That could be babyhood, but I'd like to think it was me, asserting myself, showing my self-respect and being happy in my relationships with people. I also developed very early a wicked sense of humor with a cackle that has been compared to a hen about to drop a dozen eggs. That helped, too, especially when I would make the fool of myself as we all do. Even as a kid at a dinner table when the adults were talking about things happening in the world, I'd speak up and state my opinion. People kind of looked at me funny -- this small, pigtailed creature who was all arms and legs and glasses -- but I figured my opinion was just as good as theirs, even if I was only six. I think that's where my debating skills developed and my love of politics and world affairs and social justice came from. My mum couldn't understand how I could do that -- walk into a room with a bunch of people and just start conversations or join conversations and be forceful about my opinions as well as informed. She'd say, "They don't care what you think." And I'd say, "I don't care that they don't care; my opinion is just as valuable as theirs." She'd roll her eyes and mumble Swedish epithets to herself. My brother kept me humble. He didn't appreciate my "brilliance." In fact, he was probably the major reason for me stumbling in my self-esteem as a teenager and young adult. "You're so stupid, you're too ugly to come and work for me, you took only bird courses at university and that's the only way you got a degree" -- and that to my face on the day I graduated university! Now, if that didn't bring a woman down and make her wonder, I don't know what would. However, I prevailed. I knew I'd earned my degree and that it was an accomplishment for someone who the "experts" said would never get out of grammar school (let alone high school). I had a good "B" average and, in those days, you didn't see a lot of "A"s at university; we worked hard and the bell curve hadn't become popular yet. I had enough self-respect and self-confidence to feel pity for my brother because he'd quit high school in his junior year, couldn't hack the competition (too many kids far brighter than him), and, when he couldn't be number one, he quit. So, when the "defective" got a university degree, it had to be galling for both him and his wife. I may have not had all the things they'd acquired working, but I had my education and enough sense to know I could apply it wherever I went in the world. You can replace things, but education and knowledge are forever and are part of what gives you happiness and self-worth. You know you've done the work, the research, spent hours writing essays, taught in front of kids from kindergarten to eighth grade and you're good. The prestigious university may not grant you your teaching degree right away, but God help them once you got angry and started to advocate for yourself. They wanted precedents, you could provide them precedents and then some. My twenties and thirties were a time of developing my self-worth and self-respect, setting boundaries, advocating, volunteering to help others who had less than I. I was working hard to prove to others and me that I was indeed worth it. However, I finally realized I had a good sense of self-esteem, when at 40, with my parents dead, I was out on my own, and my dear brother and sister-in-law decided they were going to put me away in a home for the mentally impaired. It was only days after coming home from ostomy surgery. I wasn't in the best of health, but I knew I would be eventually. The intake worker came in and explained to me what they had in mind, and I explained to him that I was perfectly competent to run a home, cook, clean, and work eventually. The interview lasted two hours, and, when my brother and sister-in-law came back, the intake worker was there to speak to them and tell them that, within five minutes of me moving into the home, I'd be running it better than the current executive director. My self-esteem and self-worth, at that point, was probably at it's lowest, but I became resilient and rallied. I developed outside of my "family" a network of friends and support. I became involved with the Independent Living movement and volunteered in agencies dealing with women with disabilities. I designed and developed a curriculum for persons with disabilities in South Africa to help them gain better self-esteem. I'm happy in my little apartment and with my cat, Quarter Pounder. I'm not the richest materially in the world, but neither am I living on the streets. I've traveled independently around the world, and, with every passing year, I am becoming the "who" I want to become. I'm still open to learning and finding new ways to do things. I've developed friends online and am working in a job online that just suits my skills to a tee and that I love doing. Ten years ago I could barely type at a computer and look at me now! I'll have setbacks -- developed glaucoma last year, ostomy problems and who knows what else -- but essentially, over the past 48 years from a good beginning, I've learned to face whatever I'm given, good or bad, and keep on going. I'm not any better than anyone else. But I'm good. You got the "Coles" notes version of my life and my story about my self-esteem issues. Let's hear yours and how you're working on your self-esteem. Knowledge is power. Learn about you, your strengths, and your weaknesses as well as things that make you happy and sad. You do have the power to be the best YOU that you want to be. Go to Top of Page Other comments people have made about this topic: Subject:What Have You Learned About Self-esteem? Username: eSight-Liz Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2002 Deb, you make some really valid points. It's true we shouldn't define ourselves by external forces, like other people's opinions or societal opinions, but the fact is that a lot of people with a low sense of self-esteem see or know no other way to define themselves. Depending upon the make-up biologically, the environment they were nurtured in and the people they surround themselves with, all these factors can and do affect one's self-esteem and I'll get into that in my next column. Nan's article on assertiveness and behavioral and conflict dissonance theory also indirectly talk about facets of self-esteem which we'll look into later. My mum always used to say when one door closes another window opens, too, and it's true. Depending upon how we look at any given situation, we can reframe that situation in a proactive way or in a reactive way. I had an interesting discussion a year or so ago on a local radio station with a since-fired talk show host about using the term "handicapped" versus "disability." Personally I find "handicapped" very offensive, almost as offensive as racial and religious slurs, but that's just me. Knowing where the term "handicapped" orignated and what it connotates has made it so. And for those who don't know -- the term "handicapped" became fashionable after World War I in Britain when the blind veterans would sit on the corners, cap in hand, waiting for someone to be charitable and throw a few pence in. For me, that whole term denotes dependency and helplessness, something I worked all my life to not be or become. The talk show host couldn't see my point that the term "handicapped" and "disabled" are different, one very negative and one not quite as negative but bad enough. He thought it was all political correctness, so finally I said to him, "Do you have anyone in your family or circle of friends who are blind or visually impaired or who have a disability?" And he said, "No, but I volunteer with the Canadian Natitonal Institute of the Blind." I said, "Talk to them and see if they agree with you." So what I am saying is that each of us, able-bodied or persons with disabilties, has to choose how he or she wishes to be referred to or not be referred to, how she or he will interact with the world and that each of us is affected by a multitude of varying factors which, in turn, will affect our choices and reactions. By the way, happy belated birthday, Deb. Liz Return to List of Other Comments Subject: Self-esteem Username: debbiemorgan52 Location: Lafayette, IN Occupation: Substitute teacher caller Sent: Friday, February 15, 2002 I just turned fifty last week, and from living those fifty years, I have learned that self-esteem cannot and should not be based on what others think about you. Nondisabled people have mistaken ideas about what a person who is blind can and cannot do, and their attitudes are often what really makes a disability a disability. Many times in my life, I have heard somebody say that I couldn't do one thing or another, such as type well enough to do medical transcription or cook or take care of a child. I have done all those things, which, to me, is no big deal. I have also worked in jobs where a supervisor has treated me very negatively, causing me to temporarily lose much of my self-confidence and feeling of self-worth. However, my strong Christian faith and the support of caring friends and family has helped me to regain my self-confidence and security about who I am. I have learned that you can't listen to what others think of you all the time. You have to assess your own strengths and weaknesses. I believe that everybody has a purpose, and I believe that people with disabilities all have many abilities. I don't have an administrative or professional job, but I love doing what I do, because I love talking to people, and I know that there is a need for the job that I am doing. I have also learned through an experience that wasn't job-related that you don't have to be good at everything you try to do to feel good about who you are as a person. I have also learned that when one door closes, other doors really can and will open. Return to List of Other Comments Subject Definition of Self-esteem Username: eSight-Liz Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2002 Thank you both Jim and cockerspaniel for your eloquent thoughts about self-esteem. I think that self-esteem fluctuates, sometimes minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, depending on whom or what we're experiencing in our lives. A perfect example of two people showing grace and worthiness in an event that could play havoc with anyone's self-esteem is the ice figures competition at the Olympics where my country persons, Jaime Sale and David Pelletier, skated what most of the world saw as a "perfect" performance. However, five judges decided that a team who made errors in their presentation skated better than Sale and Pelletier. I think most of us wouldn't have handled the ensuing uproar quite as gracefully as Pelletier and Sale have. They showed they knew they skated well with their reactions before the marks were even given -- Pelletier kissing the ice, Sale raising her arms in salute. They knew they were worthy, not just because the crowd was screaming but because in their hearts they'd done the best they knew how to. And despite the marks, neither were publicly bitter, if not just philosophical, that that's the way it goes sometimes. Other people see things differently; we'll continue on to skate another day. We came in second and there's nothing wrong with being number two as Morrie Schwarts said in "Tuesdays with Morrie." They're happy with the choices they made and proud of their accomplishment, two very well grounded individuals with healthy senses of self-esteem. Unlike the majority of us, Pelletier and Sale will remember the "good" things about their performance and will not dwell on the negatives. They have learned through coaching to reframe their experience so it provides them with a more proactive approach to a problem, rather than becoming reactive and nasty. That's the basis of healthy self-esteem -- knowing you're worthy of the "work" you do and that you have made choices which lead to your accomplishment and happiness or as cockerspaniel puts it: self respect and self confidence. Return to List of Other Comments Subject: Meaning of Self-esteem Username: cockerspaniel Location: Bucksport, ME Occupation: pastor of church Sent: Tuesday, February 12, 2002 The concept of self-esteem, when properly understood, is obviously very important. I probably prefer the terms "self-respect," or "self-confidence," but the meaning, in context, is pretty much the same, whatever you call it. In its full-orbed, fullest, well-rounded sense, it means that we have the assurance that we can do the things that mean the most to us and live to our fullest potential, whatever that may be. There has to be a motivation that drives us to do that. It isn't so much comparing ourselves to others as knowing, within ourselves, that we're doing the most we can to be the best we can. I am learning more and more about some of the hidden implications of blindness -- things I may not have acknowledged in past years. These things can hinder our self-respect and confidence; but we cannot allow ourselves to be defeated or crushed beneath the load. I look forward to talking with more of you about this issue. Return to List of Other Comments Subject: No Balancing Act Username: eSight-Jim Occupation: Writer Location: Wisconsin Sent: Monday, February 11, 2002 I was really shy as a five-year-old kid with cerebral palsy. I would cry if my parents left me alone in public. In grade school and high school, I felt everyone was staring at me because of my disability. I grew up in a laid-back family in a sheltered, conservative community. I knew I didn't have the right balance psychologically. I was shy, scared and self-deprecating. But, some key people helped me overcome my phobia. My mother helped me celebrate successes ?? no matter how small they were (tying a shoe, sweeping the kitchen floor etc.). I knew she was proud of me. A third-grade teacher helped me laugh at myself for the first time by helping me realize that not remembering three times nine was not such a big deal, after all. I received positive feedback from three sets of "week-day house parents" during grade school. I knew that they felt that I was a "good" kid, a welcome addition to their homes. In high school, I had teachers who took a special interest in me because they saw that I was trying to do my best ?? and I earned top grades. The same thing happened in college ?? so much so that I often felt I was given an unfair advantage in terms of more time on exams etc. And I had great college roommates, who learned to look beyond my disability. They have been lifelong friends. My first employer took a risk in hiring me, but he knew my parents and knew the reputation I had developed in our small town as someone who didn't give up easily. I could feel he was proud of me. I was a "feather in his cap" in terms of his own personal contributions to the community. Those positive "vibes" even came after I became a supervisor and manager and I had an opportunity to hire people who leaned how to laugh ?? with me ?? at how the world perceives and reacts to people with disabilities. So, I've learned through all these years that I gained self-esteem by connecting with the right people and gaining as much positive feedback from them as I could to offset my negative self-talk I often heard as a youngster and as an adult. It's not a balancing act. I need far more positive feedback than negative (I suppose like anyone else) to maintain an even keel ?? even at 58. Return to List of Other Comments Bookmark this article to: 
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