Circle of Friends

Summary:
In eSight Equal Dignity Forum, Liz Seger asks the question "What has helped you build effective interpersonal relationships?" Here are some of the answers.

My friend Mike, whom I quote in the 8/1/07 issue of eSight NetWork News (eNN) and I once attended a seminar for social service workers, social workers and other professionals who worked with people who had disabilities. Mike didn't tell me the topic until we were almost in the seminar hall because he knew what my reaction would be. The topic "A Circle of Friends- Should People be Paid to be Friends with Disabled People?" I looked at him and said "You can't be serious?" And as I looked at the seminar hall, I knew he was, there had to be 20-30 "helping" professionals in there and I suspected that most thought the topic very suitable and a good thing. As a cautionary note Mike said to me, "when you destroy them Liz, just remember not to swear at them OK?" I said I'd try and I did.

I didn't know the term rankist then, and I wasn't quite sure if there was term that fit it, other than professionals "assuming" that they know what's best for the person with a disability, because we're not capable of deciding for ourselves but I knew I wasn't going to be too terribly thrilled with this seminar.

It is an attitude many disabled people are still encountering today, that disabled people are isolated and lack social skills and so don't know how to make friends or be friends. Even among those who are disabled themselves.

Isotope from Yahoo Answers (YA) commented that "People assume disabled people are boring, have no lives and could never have done anything, that they could never carry on a conversation, because we know nothing outside of our little boxes".

And one of the young people on YA commented that it's probably hard for someone over 50 to make friends because they don't get out much.

All part of the myths and misconceptions that people with disabilities need to be taken care of and aren't capable. Those "helping" professionals expressed that a lot before Mike introduced me and I divested them of that misconception.

I asked them how they would feel if they found out that someone was paying their "friends" to socialize with them? They admitted they'd be upset and I said to them why then are disabled people any different from you? You're supposed to be in the helping professions but something like paying people to be friends with disabled people isn't helping, the disabled person or the person being paid. We now know that such a concept comes out of rankism rather than helping at all. Buying friendship no matter how good the intention is -- is just not treating that person with dignity.

People with disabilities are persons first and foremost. Their disability is secondary although it may have a profound effect on how they can work or interact with others. All of my respondents, Jael, Peter S, Michael H, Sun, Isotope, Oofa, KS, Mike, Annette stressed that fact first. Disabled persons are not their disability, are not their diseases, they are people, just like the non disabled.

We have our good days and our bad days, just like non- disabled people although sometimes non disabled people don't understand that our disability can affect how we feel that day and what we may or may not be capable of doing. So the first tip is to be able to communicate effectively what is going on with you and how that impacts your life. Second tip: Know your strengths and your limitations and be OK with them.

Isotope stated that "I can't always do the things people want me to do. I don't always "have" the money to go out to lunch or go to a movie."

"There are days when I am in so much pain and so tired I have to cancel my plans. I never know from one day to the next how I'm going to feel."

She's not always OK with that because her family gets disgruntled when she's promised or said she'd attend something but Isotope realizes that sometimes she must put her needs before others to be able to function.

Peter S. and Jael both say similar things. That loving and accepting yourself as you are, are important traits for getting along with others in the world.

Peter responded that, "Don't let anyone put you in a box. Don't be too sensitive about yourself. Don't take any "poop" from people either. And don't be ashamed to tell someone who really cares how your challenge affects you, but don't make a big deal out of it."

Jael comments "Learn to set strong boundaries about what you will accept and what you won't. But also learn to treat others as you would want to be treated yourself."

Another tip from KS and Oofa is to be authentic and be interesting as well as interested in others. "Be yourself," Oofa says, "Ask good questions, not something that requires one word answers and then listen to what others are saying."

Isotope continues on the same vein saying, "Pick a great opening line, like great game last night eh? So that they know you have a life outside of your disability. Stay informed about current events, world affairs, politics, music, movies, so you have a lot of different topics to talk about. Develop hobbies and outside interests that your coworkers or others might share. When you're out smile at people and talk to them. Become a good listener."

As Mike said, "If the playing field isn't level look for opportunities to remove barriers, like technology, educational, cultural barriers that may exist."

People may discover you're an excellent baker or cook; that you sing and play an instrument; that you are the computer whiz at fixing problems with computers and adaptive technology. Or that you're a mother of five and grandmother of twelve and great grandmother of 3, when they might have assumed disabled women couldn't take care of children on their own or run a household independently.

As Robert Fuller points out in his book "Somebodies and Nobodies, Overcoming the Abuse of Rank," indignity signals an abuse of power - or put another way, the abuse of power is incompatible with the power of inviolate human dignity."

"We must learn to acknowledge our strengths (without undue pride) while not feeling shame about weaknesses." ...None of these rankings, high or low, has any bearing on our value or dignity as an individual human being. They may bring us fleeting recognition -- not less worthy of celebration because of its brevity, but also not related to our fundamental worth. While it may make us "King/Queen for a day" it does not make anyone our servant."

"This is a far cry from the situation today, in which handicaps abound, favoritism is commonplace and advantages derived from past rank predetermine outcomes. Fame and fortune are often mistaken for goals in life. In fact the deepest satisfaction often flows from simple recognition from others for whatever we contribute to them. It has nothing to do with trophies, money or fame, which are prized for the protection they afford us against the indignities of this still rankist world."

Remember to be authentic and genuine. Communicate effectively your needs but also listen well to the needs and wants of others. Don't feel shame about your limitations, but don't overdue your disability. Treat others with the dignity you want to be treated with. "Smile, be bold and be conversant, as Peter S. advises."

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