How Can You Sell Yourself, if You Aren't Sold on Yourself?
Why Self-esteem Eludes Many Disabled People
When You Know the Problem, You Know the Solution
Get Help From Others and Help Yourself
How Can You Sell Yourself, if You Aren't Sold on Yourself?
Any job seeker needs self-confidence. You need it to feel that you can do the job you're seeking. You need it to represent your qualifications in a positive manner. You need it to be persuasive when you are describing your strong points during a job interview. You need it to negotiate a salary and benefits when you are offered the job. Finally, you need it when you accept and start the job so your entry is as smooth as possible and your time on that job is a success.
You need self-confidence and self-esteem - trust in yourself and a good opinion of yourself - for two reasons. You must believe in yourself to be at your best. And you need to be able to sell yourself to an employer. How can you sell yourself, if you aren't sold on yourself?
In a nutshell, the entire process of getting a job is a matter of convincing yourself and an employer that you are exactly the right person for the job or at least the best one out of all the applicants. All who apply for that job will be selling themselves, too. Like Coca Cola and Pepsi, you and the other candidates will try to convince the "buyer," the employer, that you are the better product.
Unfortunately our cultures often discourage this level of self-confidence. We are told not to put ourselves forward. People who are clearly sure of themselves are often described as arrogant or conceited. We are not taught that modesty and self-confidence are compatible.
Think about it. What would you think of the two soft drink companies if they withheld their claims of being "better than all the rest?" Imagine if their ads read, "We're touring the country to see which drink you think is better. We hope you choose ours, but we realize that the other brand is very good."
Chances are those sentences made you chuckle. But just as ads need to communicate the superiority of a product in order to sell, so must you.
Some individuals (especially women, minorities and people with disabilities) find it even more difficult because of the society-wide message that they are inferior. How unfortunate, since these are the very individuals who have more selling to do. In addition to convincing an employer we are great for a job, we have to show that same employer that our visual impairment will be little or no impediment to getting the work done. If a non-disabled person can squeak by without absolute self-assuredness, we can kiss many jobs goodbye without it.
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Why Self-esteem Eludes Many Disabled People
Marcia Appleton, Supervisor of Social Services at Community Services for the Blind and Partially Sighted in Seattle, Wash., observed in a conversation I had with her that self-esteem and self-confidence are pretty much universal challenges. "Just go into a place like the University Bookstore and look in the self-help section. Most of the books, shelves and shelves of them, are about self esteem." She believes that personality and one's approach to relationships often is more influential than a disability in developing and maintaining a healthy self-image. We also talked about the unique issues that arise about self-confidence for people who are blind.
Let's start right out with the word "disabled." The sorts of words that come up in various definitions are: incapacitated, injured, impaired, damaged. In other words, broken. "Blind" isn't much better when you consider how it is used in idioms like "blind ambition" or "blind to the truth." It seems to imply a disregard of the obvious. Much like the word "black," it can have very negative connotations. But James Brown sang, "Say it loud! I'm Black, and I'm proud!" and turned the word around. It's not easy to say, "I'm broken and proud of it!" Even when we are admired, the connotation generally is that it is amazing we can even function at all. No wonder, then, that disabled people struggle with feelings of worthlessness.
Actually, the struggle for self-esteem comes from a number of different influences. That struggle is not confined to people with disabilities. In the Yale-New Haven Institute, author Gwendolyn Hampton observes that any variation from accepted standards of difference in physical appearance can be damaging to self-image, if a child's family brings attention to it and overemphasizes it. If we are "broken," we generally look different. Blind kids don't look like sighted kids. We are often not even encouraged to improve or take advantage of looks. To many, it seems irrelevant.
Another influence is what has been called "learned helplessness." Disabled people are often taught, encouraged or simply allowed to blame others for what goes wrong in our lives. At best, we simply believe others have total power over us. We either feel we can't do a task at all or without help, or we decline to do it and say "I can't help it," knowing others will buy it. I once froze after a window in my house blew out and my husband was sick and asleep. It took me a moment to remember I am perfectly capable of nailing a few boards over the empty part of the window frame. Another example: On a talk show, a legally blind man stated he had no choice but to be a beggar and the talk show host, knowing no different, accepted this as true.
There is a saying that, if you are told something often enough, you almost can't help but believe it. Remember Marilyn in the TV show The Munsters? She was, by every-day standards, a lovely young woman. But, since the rest of her family constantly told her she was ugly, she believed them -- in spite of evidence to the contrary coming from everyone else around her, particularly young men. If a person with a disability hears "you can't" often enough, it can be difficult to begin to wonder if it's not true.
This can be doubly difficult for an older person or someone from a culture in which blindness carries a strong stigma. As Appleton recounts, "One older woman I met told me, 'I've spent all my life wanting nothing so much as not to be a blind person. Now I am one.' These filters we possess and use to judge others we can also use on ourselves."
Appleton further points out that, any time we are faced with learning new skills or having to adapt to a new situation or environment, our self-image can be weakened. "Whatever tapes of self-doubt we have playing in our heads seem to come up again when we feel like we have to 'start over'," she explains. Whether it is a person with a recent visual impairment who is learning how to do familiar activities in a whole new way or a visually impaired person simply facing new challenges in work, marriage and so forth, she says "we just don't like having to start over as beginners." After mastering life, we want to go from "new" to "expert." "That's just not how it works," Appleton concludes.
Some observe that many people who are blind and have low self-esteem show it in their posture, their demeanor, their facial expressions, their gestures and the way they speak. A self-defense trainer from Alternatives to Fear's special classes for visually impaired women points out that criminals often target people who look vulnerable or look like they will not protect themselves and that this can put blind women and men in peril. Non-disabled women are taught to walk briskly and with purpose to avoid attracting victimizers. But when you cannot observe your own appearance, as many with very low or no vision cannot, there may be a lack of self-awareness of what signals our body language communicates to others.
Appleton says that, whether or not a visually impaired person has noticeable mannerisms, she may be particularly sensitive to others' reactions or behavior around her. A person with whom she is talking might seem to become uncomfortable, and she may believe it is in reaction to her being blind. This may be true, or the person may have some unrelated stimulus. But the blind person can internalize the perceived annoyance and allow it to affect her self-image.
None of this negativity is founded in reality. The truth is that having a disability means there is simply some loss of an ability -- not of all ability. And what we lack is not what we can accomplish or excel in. Have you ever heard someone, a celebrity, praised for her sight? "That Marilyn Monroe -- she could sure see well!" I know I'm smart, a good writer, a good speaker and a kind person. I'd be a lousy pilot, but -- hey, so what? Being a great "see-er" is not a qualification for any of the jobs I might want to apply for. And I don't need to be a great "see-er" because I am great at using tools that see for me!
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When You Know the Problem, You Know the Solution
How can you improve your self-image and be confident in the face of such influences? The two key ingredients in improving self-esteem are objectivity and honesty. You must be able to observe yourself in a detached way to evaluate your skills and weaknesses realistically. Then you must be honest with yourself. It is every bit as bad not to recognize skill as it is to think you have one that you don't. The Bible refers to this as "hiding one's light under a bushel."
There are numerous philosophies and techniques for conducting a constructive self-appraisal. In the next section, I list several you can use as support for your efforts. But you must do the psychic surgery yourself. You must be diligent and unswerving in ferreting out the "positive you" and then feed it. Here are just a few things you can do to rid yourself of negative self-talk.
Take Inventory. Think about yourself as if you were an acquaintance. Make a list of all the positive things you observe about you as a person. Don't leave out the intangibles, such as "She is a very kind person." Do not think in terms of what you might say about a celebrity because entertainers are often overvalued in contrast to those who do good, those who work hard and those who know much. We set up impossible standards when we dote on those people who are largely make-believe. Think instead of this person's (your) impact on those around her, her contributions to making life more enjoyable or safe or rewarding.
Grow. Sometimes we lack confidence because we actually lack a skill. So decide what you are missing and find training. In addition, simply learning any skill or topic can increase your self-esteem. You may be looking for a computer-related job, but learning how to make beautiful pottery could energize and encourage you generally.
Accept praise. Generally, when someone pays you a compliment, they mean it. To brush it off is tantamount to saying that person's judgment is faulty. And it does you no good to have two people feeling bad! Just say "thanks!" and leave it at that. And remember what they said. They could be right, you know! If you have such low self-confidence in what they think about you, then what makes you so confident they're wrong and you're right about it?
Chill out. It is easy to take comments and reactions personally and let them hurt your self-esteem. Take the example cited previously about the blind woman who senses the discomfort of a companion and assumes the discomfort is in reaction to her disability. It may be, but, then, so what? Why does this mean the other's discomfort is justified? Plus it may not be about you at all. Maybe the other person just remembered she left the iron on or saw someone she owes money or simply has to go to the bathroom. To sacrifice your entire self-concept to an assumption is such a mistake. "When the 'tape' starts playing," recommends Marcia Appleton, "it's a good idea to have new 'tapes' ready that dispute those self-doubting thoughts."
Give and expect respect. Neo-Pagans believe that, whatever energy you send to others, gets mirrored back to you magnified. Certainly it's true that people are more likely to trust others who trust them, love others who love them, respect others who respect them. Respect is not fawning. It is treating another like she is your admirable equal.
Help Others. Often being able to see the difference you make in others' lives can reveal your value to yourself. Simply being a good friend to someone you care for and admire can reflect your worth back to you. There is no person who cannot contribute to the community at large in some way, and volunteering (formally or informally) can be the key to seeing your personal impact. For example, in Saco, Maine, the Giving Garden provides opportunities for gardeners with disabilities to grow food for less fortunate neighbors. The project gives its volunteers a sense of purpose, a sense of contribution to improving the lives of others and a sense of skill and accomplishment with very tangible results.
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Get Help From Others and Help Yourself
Here are five ways to get help from others for reinforcing your self confidence.
Job Coach. The entire purpose of a job coach is to help you build confidence through good decisions based on a plan and an objective look at yourself and your prospects.
- Assertiveness and Self-esteem classes. It is surprising how difficult it is for most people to tell the difference between assertiveness and aggression. The simple definitions are:
- Assertiveness: Presenting your requests directly and honestly.
- Aggression: Forcing your wishes on others, including via manipulation.
Yet a large number of people will tag an assertive request as aggressive. We have been taught that asking for what we want is pushy. So either we don't or we use passive-aggressive (manipulative) behavior to get what we want. Neither is conducive to good self-esteem. Find a class or support group locally at a community college or recreation program or go online to make sure you know how to be assertive.
Counseling. Many years of concentrated training about how insignificant or inept you are takes its toll. It can be difficult to crawl out of the hole without expert help. However, all the counseling in the world won't help if you don't look at yourself honestly and make practical changes to help yourself. When choosing a therapist. look for someone who will help you retrain yourself to think clearly and realistically -- a cognitive therapist.
Peer group. With some training and ground rules, a peer support group, or even just a circle of close friends, can help mirror your negative thoughts back to you so you can root out and destroy them. And they can help you replace them with positive interpretations of your character and skills. An excellent format for this type of group is found in Barbara Sher's Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want and in other resources listed below.
Self-help materials. A good self-help book, tape or video -- or even web site -- can provide you with guidance in a private setting, if you are reluctant to share your feelings at first. Here are some examples:
- Available from the National Library Service:
- Self-esteem and Adjusting with Blindness the process of responding to life's demands by Dean W. Tuttle and Naomi R. Tuttle; with forewords by Gil L. Johnson, Robert J. Winn (Book # FR0199 audio and #BR 06183 Braille)
- Valuing Yourself, Marna Owens (Book #GA0327 audio)
There are many others. Use search to locate books about "self-esteem."
- From Audible.com and on line bookstores:
- The Secrets of Self-Esteem: A New Approach for Everyone by Patricia Cleghorn (amazon.com)
- How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People by Leslie T. Giblin (Audible.com)
- Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem by Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D. (Audible.com)
- Now, Discover Your Strengths (abridged] by Marcus Buckingham (Reader), Donald O. Clifton (Audio Cassette - February 2001)
In the Meantime ... : Finding Yourself and the Love That You Want (G. K. Hall Large Print Inspirational Series) by Iyanla Vanzant
The most important thing to remember here is that, without self-confidence, you will get absolutely nowhere from a career perspective. There is no substitute for it. And the payoff in the rest of your life is an added bonus. You must take steps to develop a realistic and positive view of yourself.
You can do it. A counselor remarked on a radio program recently that every time one of her clients became discouraged she would remind her of her achievements. Take note of your own as you go along and remind yourself of them when you fear you cannot achieve your next goal. And, above all, be kind to yourself. You really deserve it.
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